Painful Twenty-Two

If I'm sad now, I'm sad because of that ever-elusive image of a man who I want to become; an image I always fall short of. I'm sad because of this leash. I'm sad because of this virtual box; it has no walls but I can't get out. It's an asymptote of a wall; I'm getting nearer but I can't get past, let alone even touch it. Excellence for me is a pursuit; a bare-footed pursuit of a 150 mph train.

I'm sad because I fail. I fail at my attempts on being a paragon of Christ. I fail at my efforts to change the world around me. My fire was burning, but now it's doused.

However, these thoughts on my sadness are rather enlightening ones. Because I don't give my life to the bandwagon called the status quo. Because I lay my life for a purpose higher than me. Because I'd rather die than do the world a disservice... than do my Lord a disservice.

Although I'd rather die now. I've fulfilled the conditions of my latter point.

Nevertheless, as long as I still breathe, as long as I am graced with life, I don't care if my continued existence is a gift or a curse, I won't stop trying, even if it means failing all the time.

If I'm sad now, it's true. And my years too. All of them, twenty-two, are fickle. Not worth a spectacle. Not worth an epitaph. Compared to the glorious riches in Christ, compared to the passion and heartbeat of God, compared to that realm not bound by the mind and the dreams and prayers of the saints not bound by time, my life is as dirty as the word "shit" is going to be, in imagery, in reality and in profanity.

I am sad. I'm disappointed. I'm tired. But I'm not unloved.

If the whole world despises me, except a single person, I'd feel happiness. I'd feel strength! I'd feel courage to go on! I'd feel warmth and inspiration! For that one person, I'd continue to exist. I'd continue to walk. Heck, I might even run, or drag my body as I crawl forward!

And the people who love me... they're plural! And they're doing their best to cheer me up!

And I know God always loves me! How beautiful is the word "unfailing"! The Godhead has never rejected me, nor does He have future plans of doing so!

So for this twenty-third year, I'm still here. I might not be a few days from now. Perhaps God won't use me anymore. Perhaps I won't be needed anymore. I might even get discarded.

But as long as I'm here, I'll still dedicate my life for this higher cause. With a broken heart right now, yes, but not with a broken pair of legs!